One of my worst fears came true
I spent 20 years in suppression, keeping quiet, making sure I didn’t rock the boat. Fear of the deep rejection and abandonment that could come if I said anything.💫
I pretended that it was normal, I would often have outsiders point it out and I would shrug it off, saying it was just how it was, not wanting to make a big deal out of what had happened and continued to go on. I was focused on being strong and positive about it all.
I thought I was managing this situation and fear pretty well and I tried to make up for it in other ways, keeping everyone happy, but it didn’t take long for the illness to manifest… 20 years ago the severe attack on my immune system started, the anxiety and later on the depression. 🙇♀️⠀
I did everything it took to keep the dragon quiet. The one within me and the external one I feared. 🐉⠀⠀
It became a habit like brushing my teeth. I had to shut up and not bring it up - ever… or else. No one told me to shut up, but it was the conclusion I had made based off what I saw happening around me.
Recently I faced the “or else”. The thing I swore to be quiet about in some kind of effed up energetic agreement, flew out of my mouth before I could stop it.
It was like years of anger was about to burst and all I could do was run as soon as it came out. In fear of what I would do in my rage or what the other person would respond.🤯
It’s been about 2 months since that moment and I once again brushed it off, knowing it was over, knowing that there was nothing I could do, and pretending I was ok about it all.
It’s also been about 2 months I have been ill, physical symptoms coming back from my past. I voiced the words but held back the deep pain of it all.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I noticed myself wanting to pull away from everyone. I have been so busy, I really haven’t had time for anyone, but last night I also could feel this pain of abandonment and rejection putting up walls around me.
I went into some EFT, then deep breathwork which activated the release of this trauma from deep in my body. I screamed, sobbed so hard it scared me, I couldn’t breathe. I felt a life time of rejection from the person who was supposed to be my closest alias. Breathwork is so powerful!
My worst fear had happened. I spoke up and it ended it all.🙅♀️
💕And I am ok with it. Yes there was deep pain that was in my body, we can’t ignore that, and I get to keep releasing that from my body and energy field, so that it doesn’t manifest in unpleasant ways, but I get to sit with it all and let the emotion move through me. I get to make a different choice in my beliefs and see that rejection and abandonment from another person isn’t real. It is the perfect lesson for me to let go of the beliefs that so many of us hold, that we are separate from love.⠀⠀⠀⠀
💜 People come into our lives to teach us these valuable lessons, help us to release core human wounds and ascend into deeper love, it is never about them or us, it is always an opportunity to go within and feel what is real, what we need, what we have abandoned or rejected in myself.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
🙏🏻My fear of rejection and abandonment from someone so close to me really was a reflection of how much I abandoned and reject myself in staying quiet and people pleasing for so many years. We cannot control other people’s behaviour but we can control how much we express in this world.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
🌈So that is where I am at today. Honouring the process. Allowing the deep emotions that I suppressed for over 20 years come up and out and choosing to see LOVE over all situations.⠀⠀⠀
❤️I share to tell you that it’s always safe to let ourselves feel it all, it feels unsafe when we suppress and live a life avoiding pain. There are so many amazing tools to help us on this journey, but beyond any tool and technique is the simple but powerful frequency of LOVE.💜